Paul’s Caul… The three F’s

The Three F’s…

I’m an emotional beast, not that I let these emotions govern my interactions with others, but non-the less things move me. I’m not going to lie to you all I have found my self sitting on the couch watching the voice with a tear rolling down my face (don’t judge me!) or it may be the moon hovering over the ocean on my early morning drive to work that triggers the part of me that remembers to enjoy life. But mostly its experiences that are made up of friends, food and fluid… the three F’s.

I’m writing this today to remind you all that if you are not with a person you really love, or in a job that doesn’t excite you on some level, or if you aren’t ticking either of these very important boxes then I hope for your sake you have a life filled with friends that make you laugh like an idiot and join you on adventures through life that may only last for 20 minutes, but these are the moments that matter and without any of the above we are wasting our opportunities.

In the past few weeks this world has lost too many people close to great friends of mine, this always makes me a little reflective… but I don’t get sad, I get proactive I use it as inspiration to step up my game to double down on life and most importantly to expel all excuses from my life… because all of us that are lucky enough to be here and healthy have nothing to complain about.

Enough of the life coaching and back to some food talk, this is what I love the most, I just got back from a new café down the road where I sat by myself and had a couple of superb coffees roasted on premise and some roast duck steamed buns which where quite simply amazeballs! The whole experience left me feeling better about everything, I am essentially a very easy man to please J

One of my life’s guilty pleasures is banter and kitchen banter is the best, just the other day we got onto the subject of fish tacos, now quite obviously this conversation moved onto vagina and in turn Vagin (the French for vagina) someone then asked what a vagin was and the answer I came up with was… “It’s a moroccon style vagina used for cooking in” now if this doesn’t amuse you then let me make it clear… you don’t belong in a kitchen and never will! This moment was a highlight of that day and I was getting paid at the time… winning!

I’m extremely lucky to achieve the three F’s on a daily basis at work and then I go home to the most amazing girl and amazing friends that share in the same pleasures that I do… I’m not declaring this to show off or rub it in your face, but just to clarify that there is always time to change, life is full of choices, don’t ever settle for a situation that upsets you and hinders your happiness. Get out there and enjoy the three F’s and of course enjoy the fourth F as much as possible as well J

This post is dedicated to Jode’s, Johhny boy, Alex and Gully (may he rest in peace)

BEEF SHIN… AND ANOTHER STORY FROM DR CHRIS

“Les the windmill expert” by Doctor Chris

There was this guy, Les. He was a windmill expert & he lived in Western QLD. I met him in the 1960’s.

By expert, I mean this guy could dismantle a windmill with a 21-foot wheel sitting… on top of a forty-foot tower… on his own.

Then he would load all the bits on his old truck and drive hundreds of miles and

re-erect it on his own.

“Not bad,” you say?

Well just remember the “head” (not on his cock) of the mill probably weighed

a couple of tons.

If these imperial measurements have you confused… too bad. 

Anyway Les didn’t say a word while he worked. But once he finished and sat

down on a log for a cuppa, dude, could he tell a story.!

Anyway, this one day I thought I would test him out. “Hey Les,” I asked. “You ever seen a flying saucer?”

Without even blinking he replied. ” Yes son, there are two kinds… mother ships and little ones..”

“How do you know? “ I asked.

“Well,” Les said. “I was out the back of Mitchell in the mulga country erecting this windmill and I looked up in the sky and spotted this huge flying saucer. Shortly

after this little saucer left the mother ship and landed about 40 foot in front of me. Three little green men got out and walked towards me”

“Are you Les the windmill expert?” they asked. “We need a windmill put up on Mars.”

Les said that he was way too busy to go up to Mars, so he sketched out in the red bull dust how to erect a windmill . They seemed pretty happy with that and took off back to the mother ship, which promptly vanished!!

 

The end.

Mmmmm, beef shin

And now for the beef shin…

Yes it is certainly starting to get a wee bit chilly in my neck of the woods. Nipples are standing at attention, penises are becoming inverted at even the though of a jaunt in the cold air and the carnies are returning to their caves to hibernate for the winter. Their dirty little caves…

Jack Frost is certainly nipping at our heels.

When Jack Frost comes nipping at my heels I like to double back on him and flat foot kick him straight in his chilly little face, and then hit him with the broom while he’s on the ground, and then… Or sometimes I like to go down to Scotty the butcher and give him 25 bucks in exchange for two big assed beef shins. Life gets good right here.

The shin can go into the oven with pretty much anything (except Lego because a. Lego is made of plastic and b. plastic will melt in the oven), the only thing it truly requires is for you to have a little patience and let it do its thing. And for this it shall reward you with an awesomely sticky and flavoursome piece of beef to share with friends and family, or consume by yourself if it is “caveman night” at your place.

Today I am using the usual suspects; onion, carrot, celery, garlic and anchovies, with a few beetroot thrown in for good measure. And I’m even going to share a bottle of red wine with it, just because that’s the kind of guy I am.

• Season the beef and get some colour on it in a med-high oven. This should take 20-30 minutes
• Add your vegetables and roast for a further 30 minutes, until the veg are just start to colour
• The beef is probably quite thirsty after all of that oven time, so give him a little drink. Half a bottle of red wine should do the trick
• Cover the beef with alfoil and back into the oven at 180C for another hour or so
• After an hour pull the foil back and have a little peek. Poke the meat and see if it is starting to yield. You can take the foil off and give it another 20 minutes in the oven. If the meat still feels tough leave the foil on and put it back in the oven for another 30 minutes or until it is falling off the bone. If the meat is not tender this will be the crappiest meal of your life… or this week at least anyway
• All you have to do now is eat it in your face. Creamy mash would be a good side dish, or even a leafy salad if you’re getting a bit round in the face (not fat, because that wouldn’t be PC)

The beef

The vegetables

The beef and vegetables

The end product. A world of sticky goodness

Baked Lime Tart

I am a man of comfortablity. I have routines and I like to keep them up. I like people to call if they are coming to visit (mosttly because I don’t often wear pants… or knickers). I like the kitchen to be how I left it when I get in to work the next day. I like the birds to be singing when I leave the house. And I darn well like my pet carnies to have my slippers and a fine red ready for me when I get home for work… I certainly do not like being asked to make a dessert for a dinner party at a friends house on the afternoon of said dinner. It’s just not my scene. As I am explaining this to you now, you are probably getting clued in to the fact that this event was actually a recent reality for me. Well, strike up one point for your purchase of the “junior detectives kit” because you are absolutely correct!

 

“We’re going out for dinner,” said Jen. “Make a lime tart,” she reckons. “There’s plenty of limes on the bench,” she added. “There’s even pastry I made in the freezer,” she ended.

 

NOT MY SCENE. I am not the dessert guy in this house hold, you are! Apart from the fact that you are actually a lady and not a guy at all. But how can I be sure… Hmmm, I shall investigate further with my “junior detectives kit” and quite possibly reveal all in an upcoming episode of “Grazza McFilthy Mouth Reveals All!”

 

Anyway, when it comes to logic I tend to crumble a little bit. I do not necessarily appreciate people bringing “facts” into the story. It’s probably another area that is not really my forte. And Jen brought all sorts of logic into her argument like only a wife could. I quickly submitted, like the hyena pup rolling over so the pack uber male can sniff his balls.

 

“Whatever,” my brain says to me. “Just make the frickin’ tart and then everyone is happy.”

 

“Whatever,” I say back to my brain. “I’ll do it.”

 

Yeah, we have some pretty witty conversations…

 

Pour the mix into the pre-baked pastry case

 

Bake it until it is awesome

 

Take it to your friends house and cut it up. Make sure you cut enough slices for everyone

 

Mmmmmm

Needless to say, I made that tart… and I made that tart like a bloody champion. It went like this…

LIME TART

9 whole eggs

375g castor sugar

300ml double cream, or plain old thickened cream if that’s all you got

8 juicy limes, juiced and zested (strain pulp out of juice through a seive), or 4 juicy lemons if limes aren’t your thing

• Whisk eggs and sugar, add cream and mix to combine. Stir in juice and zest
• Fill pre-baked tart case (if this mix is too much for your tart in you can bake remainder in brulee ramekins or tea cups in a baine marie. This is also good if you have a few friends who are gluten intollerent)
• Bake at 150C on the bottom shelf of your oven for 30-40 mins or until set but still slightly wobbly in the middle
• set in the fridge for at least 30 miutes and then the tart is ready for you to have your evil way with her…

 

And Jen’s pastry went something like this…

PASTRY

500g plain flour

250g icing sugar

250g cold unsalted butter, cubed

3 eggs, beaten

• Combine flour, sugar and butter in a food processer. Pulse until rough crumb forms
• Add eggs. Pulse until it starts to form a dough
• Turn out onto a floured bench, bring it all together so it is a big fat ball of doughy goodness
• Wrap in cling film and put into the fridge to rest for at least half an hour because it’s really tired after the beating you just gave it
• On a floured bench, roll out to 3mm-ish thickness (you’ll probably only need ½ – ¾ of the pastry. The rest can be frozen for times like these)
• Line your tart tin with your lovely pastry and trim the edges
• Blind bake* at 170C for 10-15 minutes. The pastry should be just cooked. Give it another few minutes if it isn’t…
• That’s it
• Go now. Make tart

 

*blind baking is something you know all about by now I’m sure. And just in case, it has nothing to do with buying a bag of flour and a bottle of scotch…

My mum’s tomato, cucumber and onion salad

My mum is really neat

My mum is fantastic

I love my mum

She carried me in her belly for ages

That’s a pretty good effort

Happy Mothers Day ma xo

 

I think you’d agree excellent poetry is another feather in my cap… I really should stop putting all of those stupid looking feathers in my cap though. I look like the tuba player in an oompah band.

 

This is homage to my darling mother through the recipe for her famous (in our house) tomato, cucumber and onion salad

This would make an appearance at every Sunday BBQ we ever had. Along with its good friends, the potato salad and coleslaw. It is simple and tasty and has the potential to make the simple man look good. Actually, it’s no cure for stupidity but it still tastes damn fine. The secret is to dress and season it a bit before serving so all the juices of the salad ingredients get drawn out to help form the dressing. I put a bit of olive oil in mine just to jois (quite probably not even a word) it up a bit but I’m not sure if ma would condone my actions. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind a bit of parsley in there though…

Simple is a good word to go here

 

…and here

 

It is truly at home sitting next to a nice steak, along side it’s good friends, the potato salad and coleslaw

TOMATO, CUCUMBER AND ONION SALAD

3 ripe tomatoes, sliced

1 cucumber, sliced

1 onion, sliced

3 tablespoons white wine vinegar

salt and pepper

a splash of olive oil

A LOT OF GOOD PORK AND A HORN ON AN OLD FALCON

By DoktrChris

Many years ago in another life I lived on a cattle station in Western QLD.

One day, the guy who worked for me turned up for work & remarked that he had seen a wild pig in the paddock.

“Mate” I said. “You must be dreaming. There are no pigs in this country.”

Back to the pig in a minute.

At about the same time, the farmers in the area were harvesting their sorghum crops. Unfortunately for them it was coming off about 1% too high in moisture content, so they could not sell it. My Dad, who was pretty innovative, read that the Egyptians (yeah, the guys with the pyramids) used to bury grain in the ground and it kept for many years quite ok, in fact it would keep for hundreds of years. Anyway Dad put out the word, we will buy your grain for a cheap price and dig a hole in the side of a hill, tip hundreds of tons of grain sorghum in and cover it with dirt. Which we did. Like 500-600 tonnes !!

Anyway, a few years later the price of cattle dropped to like, nothing! This is called a “Cattle Depression”. I mean like you can’t make enough money to pay even your grocery bill.

At the same time the price of grain went through the roof. This is called a “Grain Bubble”. So the grain we had buried in the side of a hill was worth a shit load of money!!

Our only problem was it was too high in moisture, because how you bury it is how it comes out!

Solution: We purchased this bit of gear called a grain dryer, which was powered by a tractor and sucked up diesel like it was going out of fashion. So we have this grain dryer at the end of the grain pit and we’re in to it. Day and night.

Back to the pigs… We notice that when we were doing the work at night there is the odd pig sneaking into the pit to have a feed. Because it was dark and we had no light they could slip by un-noticed. A few grew into a few dozen. A few dozen grew into a few hundred!!!!!

One night I could see all these pigs come into the pit and then about 2 minutes later comes this HUGE boar (bloke pig). Like I mean this guy is humongous!!! .

So this was the pattern every night.

One day I’m cruising through the paddock with the grain pit in my old Falcon ute, and there he was, right in the middle of the paddock on his own! He’s just snuck into the pit for a quick feed. So I slip the old ute into second and made a run at him, thinking he would gallop away. No… not this guy. He stands his ground… I keep driving at him, the old ute running a bit rough and then POW! I hit him with the bull bar. He is so strong he actually stops the ute and gets under it and lifts it up at the front end.

What could I do?!!! I went for the horn!! (On the Falcon ute mate. Hoping someone would come to help)

The end

…and folks this is what my father-in-law and grandfather to my children, Doctor Chris*, sent me when I suggested he should do a write up about the pork we cooked for dinner a few nights back. The only point of conciliation is the fact that his story was about a pig, so this is where a vague segue slots in…

Pick the damn rocket Chris

 

 

Cured pork products, marinated olives, radishes from the garden and some grilled bread is a damn fine way to start a meal

In the oven

Atlantic Slamon and Dill Pate for Sammy… and the great lemon abduction

With a title like that I’m pretty sure you’re going to be expecting a cracker of a story. Prepare to be disappointed…

Last night Sammy made herself a salmon, lemon and dill risotto for dinner. “Nice work Sammy”, I said to her. But she still had salmon and a heap of dill left after the meal. “Whatever shall I do with this salmon and dill?” she asked me. “Well my dear Sammy,” I replied, “you should make yourself some pate to enjoy while you’re watching the new season of “My Kitchen Rules” or whatever you kids are watching these days”.

This is no dramas, Monday night on the couch with a glass of white, can’t really be effed cooking sort of food… and would also make a cracking little starter if you had a few friends over for dinner.

The oringional message and a snippet of the photo of the risotto from Sammy. Initially I was quite confused as to what the lemon abduction may have been, but it all worked out well in the end. I just hope she’s not upset that I’m showing the world…

1x 200g fillet of Atlantic salmon, smoked salmon would work magically here as well

1 cup cream cheese, brought to room temperature

¼ cup chopped dill

1 spring onion/shallot, diced

zest and juice of ½ lemon (zest it first because it’s not much fun trying to zest a soggy collapsing lemon)

a splash of cream, or milk if that’s all you got

seasoning

• Poach the salmon in a glass of white wine (not in the actual glass, in a pot.The glass will shatter on the stove top rendering you incapable of poaching your salmon… and quite a few other menial daily tasks, too), a few peppercorns, a bay leaf and enough water to cover. This should take about 5 minutes at a simmer
• Remove form heat and leave for another few minutes
• Flake the salmon with your fingers
• In a food processer (or with a whisk or a fork if that’s all you have available) blitz the cream cheese with two tablespoons of cream/milk until it is a smooth paste
• With a spoon incorporate all other ingredients and mix until well combined. It should resemble a course paste, and should look nothing like a smashed pie
• Check and adjust seasoning if necessary, then scoop into a ramekin or small bowl and smooth out the surface so it looks pretty
• Eat it in your face with some croutons or bruschetta style on grilled bread with some pickled cucumber and chives
• Nice job Sammy!

Tuna tartare with potato crisps aka. new skool fish’n'chips

This is what 6am looks like.

How do I know what 6am looks like, you may ask. Well, apart from it being the time of day I normally start work, on this given day of our lord, Monday sometime in 2013, it was the time that we (myself, Jennee and our friends Matt and Soryah) would venture out in a sea faring vessel (which is heaps nicer then venturing out in a vessel full of seamen… or semen) with the hope of catching ourselves a belly full of fish, and returning to shore with nary among us down to the dreaded scurvy.

I wore a beard. Mostly because it comprises of hair that is deep rooted and grows out of my face (and probably because I cant be assed shaving), but also because all seafarers have a beard to protect them from the icy chill of the open ocean. Surely the captain would notice and immediately treat me as one of his own? A peer? A pear? No. That would just be silly, and silly is certainly not what I’m about.

The motley crew. Never too early for a beer…

But… Alas the captain did not have a beard. And the captain did not welcome me as one of his brethren. Instead, he immediately noticed the auburn hue of Matt and my beards and shouted “token rangas. Every boat needs a token ranga”.

It was 6am in the morning and clearly this man had already consumed way too much coffee or amphetamines or quite possibly both. And we were to trust him to return us safety to the docks after a day on the open ocean? Damn yeah, let’s have a beer!

Our gut feelings served us true. A good catch and a safe return ensued… And this is how we ate it.

This young lad caught the tuna. We later beat him up in the car park and stole half of it!

Make it look awesome

Mix it up at the table so everyone knows you’re the boss

Mmmmm crisps

Guaranteed to impress anyone with a mouth and tastebuds

TUNA TARTARE WITH QUINOA AND POTATO CRISPS aka. New skool fish ‘n’chips (for 4 hungry sailors)

As much extremely fresh tuna as your wife will let you buy (See what I did there? Now you’re telling yourself she’s not the boss and you can do what you want. So now you’re going to buy heaps so that means there’s going to be more for everyone. Your guests can thank me later)

1/3 cup quinoa, cooked to give you 1 cup

1 eshallot or ½ small red onion, bruniose

1 avocado, diced

pickled chilli or jalepeno

beetroot and ginger relish (I will post this recipe soonish), or pickled beetroot

extra virgin olive oil

light soy

salt and pepper

potato or beetroot crisps to serve

• For the tartare it truly is as simple as dicing everything up and presenting it on a platter so it looks really effing edible. Just before you serve dress with 1 teaspoon pickled chilli liquid, 1 teaspoon soy and 1 tablespoon olive oil. Season with a little salt and pepper
• Serve with potato crisps

POTATO CRISPS

3-4 large potatoes, sweet potato or beetroot, or a combination, sliced 1mm thick on a mandoline

oil to deep fry

• Heat oil to 170C-ish (if you don’t have a deep frier or thermometer, put a crisp in an it should brown up in 30-40 seconds)
• Fry the crisps in batches of 15 or so (remembering that if you are doin a mix of different vegetables you need to fry each variety together as they will have different cooking times) until crisp and golden. This will probably take 1-2 minutes
• Drain on paper towel and season with salt
•  Serve with your tuna
• Listen up. That’s the sound of everyone telling you that you are awesome.